September 19, 2010

Day 9 After Surgery

I'm Alive!

I gotta say this was such a journey for me and I'm still only jumping the first week hurdle.  My surgery was in Halifax a week ago Friday.  We arrived Wednesday night and I spent the day in the hospital on Thursday having impressions, X-rays, EKG, blood work, meeting the Oral Surgeon, Internist,  Anesthesiologist, etc.  It was a whirlwind day which ended with me taking an anxiety pill before bedtime.

6:00am surgery day. Arrived, signed in, met with final nurse, changed and off to surgery.  By this time I was a complete mess.  I couldn't stop crying.  So scared.  My thoughts filled with my daughter and husband.  Any surgery can have complications it was explained in full to me the day prior.  I just wanted to get through and see them both again.  I'm also claustrophobic, so the thoughts of being wired (or elasticized) shut terrified me.

The Anesthesiologist was kind and calming.  Said he was going to give me something to take the edge off.  He lied....I was out in seconds.  I'm sure the poor man thought he should just take me out of my misery.  I woke up several hours later in my room.  When Jody came in I started to cry.  But to be honest, I don't even remember that first day at all.  I was on Dilaudid and stoned out of my head.  By day three I was released for home.  6 hour drive ahead...not very excited.  They gave me a shot of gravol to keep nausea at bay and my pain meds.  Again, don't remember much of the drive thankfully.
This is how I looked on Day 4
You didn't think I was really gonna show you a picture did ya?  :P  Mom and Tyler came to visit this day but the day is really kinda of a blur.  The pain meds are strong (thankfully) but all medicine makes me woosy so narcotics are a whole different level!  I thought I was doing pretty good but later on in the middle of the night I became violently ill.  I was terrified......vomiting and jaw surgery were two of my worst fears.  I showed up at the hospital with a bucket for puking and a terrified look on my face.  I'm sure the nurses thought I had been badly beaten up.  I was bruised swollen and couldn't talk.  They quickly brought me in to the emergency room and could't stop the vomiting.  There was blood in my stomach and all the meds were making me so sick.  They hooked me up to an IV and later in the day I was better after receiving medication for people going through chemotherapy.

I think I scared my poor husband to death through all of this.  He has been the best nurse ever.  Through thick and thin he is always thankful.

August 31, 2010

Orthognathic Surgery

I am making myself sick. My surgery countdown is on...10 more sleeps. I am now becoming f@$king terrified. I've just spent the last hour reading about the surgery. Looking at pictures. I want to vomit. I laugh when people say "well this is your choice". Is it? My bite is jaw and neck are always hurting. I just want to feel like a normal person again. I just wish that Orthodontics had been different when we were kids. Today there are so many options for kids to hopefully avoid surgery. All I know is I don't want Tyler to go through this.

I'm crying as I write this...just finished begging my husband to take a few more days off. I need him home to help me the first week. I'm not going to be able to do anything. My head is going to basically look like a big bruised watermelon. I won't be able to talk normally for a month because I'll have a splint attached to the roof of my mouth. Bruising, swelling, pain, numbness....I just want to cancel the damn surgery.

August 29, 2010


Summer is almost over. This summer has been a whirlwind of confusion. It all started with a fight with my mother that has lead to 3 months and counting of silence. Then a diagnosis of Hypothyroidism which explained alot of how I've been feeling for the last couple of years. Doctor has been monitoring my blood pressure which is out of wack. Now to top it all off I am headed for a double jaw surgery that I really didn't want to have to do. But my dentist (hubby) and orthodontist both suggested for it to be done. My bite is screwed and I suffer from TMJ (pain in my jaws, neck, shoulders etc. due to clenching). I'm terrified of this damn surgery! I'm going to be wired or should I say elasticized to death (currently have 22 hooks in my mouth awaiting the surgery). Recovery is 6-8 weeks....problem is I have no help. I'm not sure how the hell I'm going to get Tyler to school, or take care of everything at this house. Did I mention there is no sick time when you have your own business. I'll be just getting home and it's payroll time for the office. I'm gonna have to train my poor hubby for that one 'cause I know I'll be too fried on pain drugs to be able to calculate anything. I'm going to be on a liquid diet (no that does not include wine)...can you say grumpy? My family is used to have meals cooked for them every night of the week...they won't know what to do with themselves. My house is a mess right now. Our well just ran dry at the cottage. I have guest arriving this weekend to celebrate the long weekend. Ty starts school on Tuesday and I leave for my surgery on Wednesday. There just isn't enough time to get everything done. I blew up at my husband and a friend the other night. I'm a wreck!!!

July 14, 2010

We got it!

It will officially be ours on July 23rd. :) We are all so excited!!!!

July 2, 2010

The wait....

Put a bid on a we wait. Yes, we were going to build, but this place just came on the market. It is too small (only one bedroom) but we can make it work for the summer and then renovate. The lot is perfect, the view amazing. :)

Funny how the phone can ring all day, but be so silent when you wait for a call.

June 24, 2010

Name that Cottage

A friend of mine recently told me that I'll have to name my cottage. I finally decided to get over my lack of patience today and started thinking positive lake house names. These are my top thoughts so far. Bella Vista (Italian for beautiful or fine view), Chez Recoin (French for our nook), Petit Coin (French for little corner) and Sans Souci (French for without worry). I'm leaning towards the French names due to my French heritage.

Patience....I'm running out!

So we've been wanting a cottage for a couple of years now. We have exhausted our search of all the local lakes. Either the drive is too far, or the price is ridiculous! Some of these cottages that have carpet, wallpaper, kitchens and bathrooms circa 1980 want $350k minimum. Whatever!

So now we are trying to purchase a lot...also frustrating. We are down to two lakes. Lots are available at both but aren't ready yet. The roads aren't completed, hasn't been approved by the Department of Environment....yada yada yada. Every week it's another story. Just let me buy a lot already before I'm freakin' 50! I would like to enjoy it while Tyler is still young.
Sorry Folks. Patience is not my thing right now. ARGHHHH!

Don't get me started again on the house across the street that still doesn't have a lawn! Mow your f@$%ing weeds and maybe you'll finally sell your damn house!!!!!

June 21, 2010

My Birthday Girl!

Here she is on her first birthday....

and now her 10th....

Where has the time gone? Have I told you that I'm a lucky Mom? Honestly....Ty is such a great kid. She's funny, caring, beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. She makes me smile everyday. She is truly a gift.

Tyler had 7 friends from school for a "Pink Vogue Sleepover". What a wonderful bunch of girls. Giggling continued through the evening until about 5 am. Fun was had by all!

June 20, 2010

Father's Day

Today marks my third Father's Day without Dad. I still miss him so. We all do. Our little family is getting smaller all the time. I miss his laugh, his long stories, his knowledge, but most of all his hugs.

Love you and miss you Dad....forever. xoxo

June 15, 2010

Violet Eyes

Jewel wrote this song for her friend that died of cancer. Beautiful....I wish I would have found it before losing Sylvia. She loved music and would have been touched deeply by this song. Miss you.....

*Click the word song to see the video....

Happy Anniversary to Me :)

I'm a little shocked I stuck with it. Writing isn't my thing. Maybe year two will have more posts....we'll see what my mood is. LOL

June 7, 2010

In the words of Sir Elton John.....
♪♫Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word....♬♩

My entire life I have overused this word. It seems that every argument I've been in ... I always come forward first to apologize...even if I shouldn't. I've noticed that my daughter has picked up my habit. Recently I've not been speaking to someone who has used very hurtful words to me. It seems that "Sorry" seems to be the hardest word for this person. I can't remember the last time the words "I'm sorry" have came out of this person's mouth. I will not back down this time. Until I hear these words I will remain silent. I will not be the one to come forward first again. I refuse.

"Never accept words meant to hurt. Turn them back because they are the responsibility of the speaker. When you are caught off guard, hold the emotions in silence for a moment and tell them to be still. It takes longer to forget than it does to forgive - and time heals when we give it the power."
-- Joyce Sequichie Hifler

June 1, 2010

Eat Pray Love

This is my favorite quote from the book....

"I keep remembering one of my Guru's teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."

There are certainly days that I feel I have to shut certain things, or people out in order to stay afloat.

April 16, 2010

Friendship equals Happiness

Ahhhhh.....what a great week. I had to go to Fredericton twice this week for appointments. The weather was beautiful for travel. The tunes and Howard were cranked. But most importantly....I got to meet up with two wonderful friends. One for a quick lunch. The other lunch at her house and a leisurely afternoon spent on her deck with her and my beautiful Goddaughter. Life is good. :)

March 26, 2010

Closing a Door

Several years ago a friendship ended. We spent all of our free time with them. We traveled together, shared in our happiness, our grief and our dreams. They were the Godparents of my child. I thought they would be in our lives forever...

When the friendship abruptly ended it was devastating to my entire family. I have since built a strong wall around me. I have received two emails from her recently. Facebook is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. I thought the doors were closed. I read the first message and chose not to reply. Todays message I replied to. I'm hoping that it will help her move on. I'm hoping I will finally move on. I guess during times of loss you are reminded of the other losses in your life.

She shared this quote on the bottom of her email. “We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry.” (Henry David Thoreau)

Truer words were never spoken.

March 23, 2010


For nearly 10 years I have practiced Yoga. It started with a DVD when I was pregnant for Tyler. I've attended classes with Jen, used countless DVDs, taped episodes on my dish. I love yoga. It seems to be the only time that I let everything else go in my mind and focus on my breathing, my poses. One of my favorite places to practice yoga is on my deck in the summer. When I can hear the leaves rustling in the trees, the birds, dragonflies, even someone mowing their lawn in the distance.

It seemed obvious that the next step would be meditation. The first time that meditation became available to me was through Jen. I hesitated because I was raw after the loss of my father. My Mom had decided to take it and I wasn't sure that I wanted to share in the process with her. You see living in Woodstock for the past 9 years I have not met a lot of people that I would call friends. Don't get me wrong. I have a few....but really I can count them on one hand. My closest friends do not live here. So I can go out pretty much any given day and not know anyone. Sometimes it's very lonely. Other times I relish the fact that I don't have to talk to anyone.

After a discussion on meditation while waiting for Hot Yoga to begin I learned about the River Valley Wellness Centre. Again, I hesitated....I really wanted to do it with Jen, but it was not in the cards. I contacted Lori at the Wellness Centre and found out that she would be offering a Mindful Meditation course. I thought that this was the time. Again, my Mom wanted to do it. This time I felt ok about sharing it with her. I felt stronger, felt over my grief with my father anger. I decided to take the plunge. Less than a month ago my Mother In Law passed I'm feeling raw again. Not in the same way as losing my father....but raw nonetheless. My emotions are on the surface.

The first class of meditations was focusing on grief. I had no idea about this ahead of time. I wanted to crawl into a whole. My emotions are brimming on the surface, tears are streaming down my face as she talks. Thankfully the lights are low...candles. Now if I can just make sure not to go into the ugly cry.....the one where I can't control my breathing. It is meditation after all and we are supposed to focus on the breath. I don't want my Mom to see me crying, or any of these strangers. In my head I'm feeling embarrassed, angry, confused if I should be here. I've been wanting to learn how to meditate for years....and now I feel like I'm making a fool of myself. This wasn't what I was expecting. Finally we started to centre, to focus on the breath, to meditate for a short while. I was thankful for this. I am aware of my breath after all of the years of practicing yoga. Finally, my heart stops racing. This is the part I want to learn about. To be able to stop my racing mind. When the class was finished I just wanted to leave quickly. I drove around for about 15 minutes before I came home. Just trying to process everything. I'm feeling better now. I'm going to focus on creating my meditation space in the morning.

March 16, 2010

Cancer Sucks!!

My family has another Angel looking down on us. We've recently lost my Mother-In-Law (MIL). She had a 2 year battle with Ovarian Cancer and unfortunately the cancer won. It certainly seems like it wins more often than least in my experience. She certainly fought hard. After her first chemotherapy she suffered a stroke which kept her without further treatment for 7 months. My MIL was such a kind soul and a bit of a spitfire all rolled into one. She had a difficult life raising 2 boys without a husband for many of them. For the past two years we have travelled to Fredericton most weekends to spend time with her. It such a strange thing knowing that you are going to lose someone. True there were weeks that I didn't really want to go, or I had other things I needed or wanted to do....but we would go. I was always glad in the end that we went. No regrets that for certain. I'm sure we spent more time with her in the last 2 years then the last 10. Since Christmas she really started to fade fast. I think she hid alot from us so we wouldn't worry. It seems weird not calling her to check in and see how she is feeling today. I guess it's hard to believe still. We miss you everyday Syl xoxo

January 5, 2010


I already posted this on Facebook, but it really spoke to I'm putting it on my blog too.

Things you should believe

A Birth Certificate shows we were born

A Death Certificate shows we died

Pictures show we lived!

Have a seat...Relax. ..And read this slowly.

I Believe...
Just because two people argue,
Doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
Doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
We don't have to change friends if
We understand friends change.

I Believe.....
No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt
You every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
True friendship continues to grow, even over
The longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
You can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
You should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe....
You can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
We are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
Either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
Heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done, regardless

I Believe...
Money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
My best friend and I can do anything or nothing
And have the best time.

I Believe...
Sometimes the people you expect to kick you
When you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe....
Sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe....
Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them, and less to do
With how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe....
It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others;
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself..

I Believe...
No matter how bad your heart is broken,
The world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
You shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different..

I Believe...
Your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe....
Even when you think you have no more to give, when
A friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
Credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe....
The people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe.....
You should send this to all of the people you believe in, I just did.

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of anything

(My Mom shared this with me through an spoke to me, so now I'm sharing it with you)


A New Year...A New Post

I admit that I've not been very good at this blogging thing. Lots of things I would like to write about somedays but feel I need to edit myself (no Mom I'm not talking about you). Other days I'm just too damn lazy.

It's a New Year!!! First off, to those of you reading this Happy New Year. I hope it's filled with more happy days than sad. We had a wonderful Christmas Holiday here at Casa W. We were able to celebrate it with both Mothers. Overall it was a perfect holiday. My only regret was that we didn't get to spend any time with friends. Some were too far away and again that lazy thing set in and we didn't want to leave the couch.

I made a New Year's Resolution to try to be more positive this year. Open up and let that positive energy in! It seems that I've been drowning a little the last few years. I've finally resurfaced and am hopeful. Funny as you make a decision like this that right around the corner negativity wants to return. I had a falling out with one of my best friends about 5 years ago. We've never spoken since, but not for lack of trying. I received a nice note during the holidays from this "friend". Can you say shocked?! Oddly, I've decided not to respond. The old Lynn would certainly have answered....mostly because she was a bit of a people pleaser. But the new and improved Lynn said...nope...all this negative energy needs to go. I don't want to open that door again. I'm finally over the hurt that it caused my family and I.

So cheers to you my friends. I hope your year is filled with positive energy as well.