March 26, 2010

Closing a Door

Several years ago a friendship ended. We spent all of our free time with them. We traveled together, shared in our happiness, our grief and our dreams. They were the Godparents of my child. I thought they would be in our lives forever...

When the friendship abruptly ended it was devastating to my entire family. I have since built a strong wall around me. I have received two emails from her recently. Facebook is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. I thought the doors were closed. I read the first message and chose not to reply. Todays message I replied to. I'm hoping that it will help her move on. I'm hoping I will finally move on. I guess during times of loss you are reminded of the other losses in your life.

She shared this quote on the bottom of her email. “We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry.” (Henry David Thoreau)

Truer words were never spoken.

March 23, 2010


For nearly 10 years I have practiced Yoga. It started with a DVD when I was pregnant for Tyler. I've attended classes with Jen, used countless DVDs, taped episodes on my dish. I love yoga. It seems to be the only time that I let everything else go in my mind and focus on my breathing, my poses. One of my favorite places to practice yoga is on my deck in the summer. When I can hear the leaves rustling in the trees, the birds, dragonflies, even someone mowing their lawn in the distance.

It seemed obvious that the next step would be meditation. The first time that meditation became available to me was through Jen. I hesitated because I was raw after the loss of my father. My Mom had decided to take it and I wasn't sure that I wanted to share in the process with her. You see living in Woodstock for the past 9 years I have not met a lot of people that I would call friends. Don't get me wrong. I have a few....but really I can count them on one hand. My closest friends do not live here. So I can go out pretty much any given day and not know anyone. Sometimes it's very lonely. Other times I relish the fact that I don't have to talk to anyone.

After a discussion on meditation while waiting for Hot Yoga to begin I learned about the River Valley Wellness Centre. Again, I hesitated....I really wanted to do it with Jen, but it was not in the cards. I contacted Lori at the Wellness Centre and found out that she would be offering a Mindful Meditation course. I thought that this was the time. Again, my Mom wanted to do it. This time I felt ok about sharing it with her. I felt stronger, felt over my grief with my father anger. I decided to take the plunge. Less than a month ago my Mother In Law passed I'm feeling raw again. Not in the same way as losing my father....but raw nonetheless. My emotions are on the surface.

The first class of meditations was focusing on grief. I had no idea about this ahead of time. I wanted to crawl into a whole. My emotions are brimming on the surface, tears are streaming down my face as she talks. Thankfully the lights are low...candles. Now if I can just make sure not to go into the ugly cry.....the one where I can't control my breathing. It is meditation after all and we are supposed to focus on the breath. I don't want my Mom to see me crying, or any of these strangers. In my head I'm feeling embarrassed, angry, confused if I should be here. I've been wanting to learn how to meditate for years....and now I feel like I'm making a fool of myself. This wasn't what I was expecting. Finally we started to centre, to focus on the breath, to meditate for a short while. I was thankful for this. I am aware of my breath after all of the years of practicing yoga. Finally, my heart stops racing. This is the part I want to learn about. To be able to stop my racing mind. When the class was finished I just wanted to leave quickly. I drove around for about 15 minutes before I came home. Just trying to process everything. I'm feeling better now. I'm going to focus on creating my meditation space in the morning.

March 16, 2010

Cancer Sucks!!

My family has another Angel looking down on us. We've recently lost my Mother-In-Law (MIL). She had a 2 year battle with Ovarian Cancer and unfortunately the cancer won. It certainly seems like it wins more often than least in my experience. She certainly fought hard. After her first chemotherapy she suffered a stroke which kept her without further treatment for 7 months. My MIL was such a kind soul and a bit of a spitfire all rolled into one. She had a difficult life raising 2 boys without a husband for many of them. For the past two years we have travelled to Fredericton most weekends to spend time with her. It such a strange thing knowing that you are going to lose someone. True there were weeks that I didn't really want to go, or I had other things I needed or wanted to do....but we would go. I was always glad in the end that we went. No regrets that for certain. I'm sure we spent more time with her in the last 2 years then the last 10. Since Christmas she really started to fade fast. I think she hid alot from us so we wouldn't worry. It seems weird not calling her to check in and see how she is feeling today. I guess it's hard to believe still. We miss you everyday Syl xoxo