For nearly 10 years I have practiced Yoga. It started with a DVD when I was pregnant for Tyler. I've attended classes with Jen, used countless DVDs, taped episodes on my dish. I love yoga. It seems to be the only time that I let everything else go in my mind and focus on my breathing, my poses. One of my favorite places to practice yoga is on my deck in the summer. When I can hear the leaves rustling in the trees, the birds, dragonflies, even someone mowing their lawn in the distance.
It seemed obvious that the next step would be meditation. The first time that meditation became available to me was through Jen. I hesitated because I was raw after the loss of my father. My Mom had decided to take it and I wasn't sure that I wanted to share in the process with her. You see living in Woodstock for the past 9 years I have not met a lot of people that I would call friends. Don't get me wrong. I have a few....but really I can count them on one hand. My closest friends do not live here. So I can go out pretty much any given day and not know anyone. Sometimes it's very lonely. Other times I relish the fact that I don't have to talk to anyone.
After a discussion on meditation while waiting for Hot Yoga to begin I learned about the River Valley Wellness Centre. Again, I hesitated....I really wanted to do it with Jen, but it was not in the cards. I contacted Lori at the Wellness Centre and found out that she would be offering a Mindful Meditation course. I thought that this was the time. Again, my Mom wanted to do it. This time I felt ok about sharing it with her. I felt stronger, felt over my grief with my father ...my anger. I decided to take the plunge. Less than a month ago my Mother In Law passed away......so I'm feeling raw again. Not in the same way as losing my father....but raw nonetheless. My emotions are on the surface.
The first class of meditations was focusing on grief. I had no idea about this ahead of time. I wanted to crawl into a whole. My emotions are brimming on the surface, tears are streaming down my face as she talks. Thankfully the lights are low...candles. Now if I can just make sure not to go into the ugly cry.....the one where I can't control my breathing. It is meditation after all and we are supposed to focus on the breath. I don't want my Mom to see me crying, or any of these strangers. In my head I'm feeling embarrassed, angry, confused if I should be here. I've been wanting to learn how to meditate for years....and now I feel like I'm making a fool of myself. This wasn't what I was expecting. Finally we started to centre, to focus on the breath, to meditate for a short while. I was thankful for this. I am aware of my breath after all of the years of practicing yoga. Finally, my heart stops racing. This is the part I want to learn about. To be able to stop my racing mind. When the class was finished I just wanted to leave quickly. I drove around for about 15 minutes before I came home. Just trying to process everything. I'm feeling better now. I'm going to focus on creating my meditation space in the morning.